Group underwent major shuffling this whole week. Im back to where I belonged, back to da old group members except Nurul who has replaced Meimei. Next week would be da start of a hectic year.
Im pretty excited, there would be a slim chance to go Thailand with missy and Donnie girl. I feel there's hope in the world again. Im whole again. Ha! Ya have no idea how devastated I was after rounds of rejections and disappointments. I wanna go this time! I just wanna step ma feet onto the soil of BKK.
school starts....
Tuesday was ma first day of third year in Nafa. Loads of flashbacks when I walked pass the familiar path to school. I came unprepared, unaware of what school has in stored for us students.
I was especially late for the first briefing class. Almost 3/4 of ma class is filled with unfamiliar faces, chances of workin with them are very high. Ma heart sank alil, getting to know new people and work together for the rest of the year seems impossible for me. Members were grouped ba balloting procedures. Some cheated while I chose to remain. I'm a lone ranger in da group of 4. It was awkward to be grouped with a pair beautiful girls and a very withdrawn lady. Overall, da first impression are comfortable enough, a bunch of sweet ladies
I see. Deep within, rather than protesting the arrangement, I should accept it with great positivity. Getting a chance to work with new members may gain different exposures and perhaps I find the hidden strengths in me in da midst of it. It's time for me to get outta comfort zone and expand maself. I could do alot more. :)
Met with Seng babe and Jo with Don after school. Very nice feeling all over again.
"Friends are not neccessary to meet up often, meet up once in a blue moon is as great!" Very true.
Seng babe and Jo
First photo after the extension!
Friday, July 20, 2007
Despite calls to Vernice, I couldnt do anything about class changing. Maybe it turns out to be a good news. Just gotta be more patient and see how it goes next week. Im feeling all da jitters whenever I think of school re opening. It's about fashion, hectic school assignments and such all over again. I wonder if im really prepared for school or rather am I really cut out for fashion. I haven been touching fashion related stuffs over the months of holiday and I feel daunted facing it.
I mentioned about da spree im gonna pamper maself. I gotta put it on hold unfortunately. i will be expecting ma bank acc as dry as a well for the next four months due to some personal reasons. :(
alternatives
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Ma trip to Thailand has folded. I gotta think of other way to compensate maself. I cant get over the fact I cant get to Thailand despite da fact that it's da cheapest country fer holiday. Boohoo... I wanted to travel desperately. I guess, I gotta make it up fer maself otherwise. I must do alil shopping before school starts. I hope that gonna appease ma soul.
I have been 'pampering' maself too much on the appearance these days. This holiday, I have done done a minor surgery on ma eyes and did extension to ma short hair.
But But But, before the July paycheck comes, I gotta scrimp and save.
Am i really happy?
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Why do I have to chance upon certain things when Im all ready to get over it? Why are ya so cruel to lie to me over and over again? Why havent ya learn?
Without any second thought, I got ma hair extended as soon as da lady told me it's possible. Im abit regret now, because da hair texture isnt fine and I think I dun suit long hair. I gotta let it settle down abit before taking pictures.
I've decided to go Thai with Cheryl this Sunday. Yayyyy!
I wanna go BKK!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Ma biggest regret in this holiday is, Im not able to go on a vacation. Either da month is entirely dry or i cant find a good clique to go with.
I wonder if this month is particularly a good month to Bangkok. I have four different groups of friends who made plans to Bangkok. First, I heard from Jo. Thou I wasnt included, but I really wanted to go secretly. But i guess, we're too caught up with life makes it impossible to travel together. I told D about it, and he said Ken & co are planning to go, and perhaps we could join them. I knew it's gonna be just another empty talk and provened to be true. Hopes were dashed I thought, Aileen called me up and invited me to join her to Bangkok with her beau. A pity, she's leaving in da weekend and ma leaves are not approved. i was really devastated ba then, until moments ago, Cheryl said she is gg to Bangkok with her mum. Now she's inviting me to go and im salivating over da idea.
Gaahhh.. Im really broke now, wonder if I shld use da remainin money to unlift ma regret or to continue sulking over it.
Drained
Monday, July 09, 2007
Afterall, it's more than just a clear tie. What's left is da residue of the past. Now, it's haunting me badly with da bad debts.
I thought everything would be sunshine after da rain. But i guess, it's just efforts gone down to drain once more. It's a major crush to life entirely. With everything go the opposite the way ya wanted to be and to be either be ignored or take for granted, tell me what ya can think of and I'll tell ya I've tasted countless already. This doesnt happens only in relationship but all aspect of life. Being an unwanted individual everywhere, do ya know how exactly it feels?
I'm not lookin forward to weekends or evenings anymore, no longer finding soulmates to share ma cries over spilled milk too. Because the more I ask, da more outcast I feel. Im not even feeling esctatic over school reopening because I heard da unexpectedly bad news.
Before anything got to have any major shifting again , I must find a role fer me to fit in.
bothered mind
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Why do I feel a sense of loss? The heartache that almost suffocates. Every breathe I inhale seems to remind me of his presence. Every moment of solitude reminds me of him. I feel so much like breaking down but I feel there's no need to let anyone to see da sorrows. Why is departure so hard to take while gathering is easy? Why is it da person ya care da most yet ended up hurting ya da worst? Why da world seems especially joyous when mine is bleak? Why is effort of trying always ended up getting into bigger fix. Why is everyone's laughter is so overwhelming while Im like a hollow shell that spirit has already floated away? Why do I still hold on to this when ya've already long gone and drifted?
Ma mind ask me to let go but ma heart says no. But I have no control.
Final decision
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
We were once a lovely couple that everyone envies. Smiles are happiness were all plastered on ma face. We come and go as a pair without fail. Understandings and sweet nothings were basics to us. Gifts and surprises were often.
Everyone knows we quarrel every now and then. Be it minor or major issues going around. Just how many people really know what had happened between us two? Sulken face and heavy mood are what I bring these days. Confidence in us has ceased down to almost none. Yet problems and more problems are arising each day.
I have wanted to leave ya, yet I cant seem to find ma courage. Im afraid ya will not chase me back if I let go of this. Why am I a wussy to this? Why cant I handle it quick? It all funnels down to ya mean so much more. I have come so far and I dun want to believe da fact that it's futile to fight.
In da past, perhaps I was too anxious to prove. Everyone said we are not meant fer each other. I decided to go against da crowd and keen on provin each and everyone's wrong. Maybe da much anticipated ending from them is inevitable. We just have to end it this way. I can never hold ma head high and oppose to the fact anymore.
But this time, I decided to go. Not because I dun believe anymore. Not because ya position in ma heart is replaced. I've no more strength to hold on to something that it's meant fer both efforts to build. i cant do it only with ma both hands. Perhaps this is da brightest choice that I've made in this relationship. We will talk when we are both ready to. Or never. Maybe this is ya wish. Maybe da harsh fact has long been in ya heart and ya just waiting fer me to say it on ya behalf. I have done it.
Thinking about it makes ma heart cringe. We can never be the same anymore.
rottencabbage.
The one your momma
always warns you about.
First photo after the extension!
